Stop networking and start getting to know people

Treating professional connections like business cards is a career-ending move

Job seekers are constantly told to network.

Attend industry events. Build your LinkedIn connections. Expand your professional network. Collect contacts. Ask for introductions.

It’s common career advice. It’s also why many people dread networking.

The word itself conjures images of awkward conversations, forced small talk and people exchanging business cards while secretly looking around for someone more important to speak with.

The problem isn’t networking itself. The problem is that much of the networking advice job seekers receive encourages the wrong mindset.

It teaches people to focus on contacts instead of relationships.

As a result, many job seekers approach conversations with an agenda. They aren’t interested in learning about the person standing in front of them. They’re focused on what that person might be able to do for them: provide a referral, share a lead, make an introduction or help them land a job.

People can sense that immediately. Nothing kills a conversation faster than feeling like someone is trying to use you.

Many job seekers aren’t networking at all. They’re prospecting for favours. They attend events looking for leads. They connect with strangers hoping for referrals. They initiate conversations with a desired outcome already in mind.

People can tell the difference between curiosity and self-interest. The people who benefit most from networking don’t think of it as networking. They think of it as getting to know people. That’s an important distinction.

When your objective shifts from finding opportunities to understanding another person’s experiences, perspectives and challenges, conversations become easier. You’re no longer trying to impress someone. You’re no longer trying to sell yourself. You’re simply curious.

Ironically, that’s often when opportunities begin to appear. The reason is simple: people do business with, hire and recommend people they trust.

Employers don’t hire resumes. They hire people.

When a hiring manager reviews hundreds of applications for a single position, every candidate starts to look similar. Comparable education. Similar experience. Similar technical qualifications.

What often separates candidates is the level of trust and confidence they inspire.

This is one reason employee referrals remain one of the most effective sources of hiring. Employers know that when a trusted employee recommends someone, the recommendation carries more weight than a resume arriving from a stranger. The referral reduces uncertainty and lowers perceived hiring risk.

Research consistently shows that referrals are among the most successful sources of new hires.

Hiring is fundamentally a risk-management exercise. Every new employee represents an investment of time, money and resources. A recommendation from a trusted source doesn’t eliminate risk, but it often gives employers greater confidence in a candidate than a resume alone.

The same principle applies to freelance opportunities, consulting engagements, partnerships and promotions. Opportunities rarely emerge from contacts alone. They emerge from relationships built on trust.

The mistake many job seekers make is assuming that access automatically creates that kind of connection.

They’ve mistaken access for relationship. A conversation isn’t a relationship. A LinkedIn connection isn’t a relationship. A business card isn’t a relationship.

Trust takes time.

In a 2024 article published by the University of California, Berkeley, Dr. Julia Schaletzky noted that networking is fundamentally about helping others and building reciprocal relationships before you need assistance yourself.

That’s an important point because too many people only start networking when they need something. They’ve been laid off, they’re unhappy in their current role, looking for a promotion or deciding it’s time for a career change.

Suddenly, they begin reaching out to people they haven’t spoken with in years. By then, they’re already behind.

Meaningful professional relationships should be built long before they’re needed.

Strangers owe you nothing.

One of the biggest mistakes job seekers make is assuming that a brief interaction creates an obligation. It doesn’t.

Nobody is required to recommend you, refer you or advocate for you simply because you’ve connected on LinkedIn or exchanged pleasantries at a networking event.

Relationships are earned through genuine interest, consistency and time. Fortunately, building relationships is much easier than most networking advice suggests.

You don’t need a polished elevator pitch, clever conversation techniques or memorized scripts.

On most Saturday mornings, my longtime golf partner and I are paired with another golfer or twosome. Over four hours, conversations naturally develop.

I don’t start by talking about myself.

Instead, I ask simple questions: Where are you from? What brought you here? What do you do for a living? How did you get into that line of work? What’s the most challenging part of your job right now?

Those conversations often reveal fascinating career journeys, business challenges, industry trends and professional insights. Occasionally, they lead to future opportunities. More importantly, they establish genuine human connections.

The most productive conversations tend to happen when neither person is focused on extracting something from the other.

The same approach works almost anywhere: at conferences, on flights, at community events, while volunteering, at industry gatherings or even standing in line for a coffee.

People generally enjoy talking about themselves, especially when someone is genuinely listening. In a world dominated by distractions, giving someone your full attention has become surprisingly rare. That rarity makes it valuable.

Being genuinely interested in others is one of the most underrated career skills you can develop. It helps you build trust, expands your understanding of industries and organizations, exposes you to information that never appears on job boards, strengthens your reputation and makes you memorable.

Most career opportunities are attached to people. Jobs, contracts, referrals and promotions rarely appear in isolation. They emerge through relationships, reputation and trust.

The hidden job market exists because employers frequently identify candidates through conversations, recommendations and existing relationships long before a position is publicly advertised.

Not every job is part of the so-called hidden job market, but many opportunities are discussed informally before a posting appears online. Managers often begin by asking colleagues, employees and professional contacts whether they know someone who would be a good fit.

By the time a position is formally advertised, an employer may already have several potential candidates in mind. That’s one reason relationships can create opportunities that never emerge through online applications alone.

That’s not unfair. It’s human nature.

People trust people they know more than people they don’t.

The mistake many job seekers make is believing networking is about increasing the number of people who know their name.

It’s not.

The real goal is increasing the number of people who know your character, your credibility and your value.

That only happens through authentic relationships.

People who approach conversations with curiosity rather than self-interest typically build stronger relationships and gain better long-term career outcomes.

Trust replaces transactions. Relationships replace contacts. Conversations replace pitches.

And opportunities emerge as a natural byproduct of the connections you’ve built.

Most job seekers spend their time applying to strangers while overlooking the people around them.

That’s backwards.

Careers are built through people. They always have been and they always will.

Stop trying to network.

Start trying to know people.

Nick Kossovan is a syndicated columnist and career expert with over 20 years of experience in the corporate hiring landscape. He specializes in providing pragmatic, unsweetened advice on career navigation, workplace dynamics, and professional growth.